I promised to begin looking at the years when I was most sick with bipolar disorder, the most symptomatic. During part of that time, I attended a day treatment program for the chronically mentally ill and wrote the following poem about theat experience:
Day Treatment (Poem #1)
It’s Monday and again we sit in chairs, sprawled against straight backs, mid-morning group at day treatment, talking about black holes: fear of abandonment fear of non-being the endless longing to return plato’s parable about the cave the dark place the shadow the holy the horrible the hot coal carried close to each of us so we are, all of us, always burning
Kathryn M. McCullough 
Kathy, I’m so glad you are doing this. It’s brave, and sure to help others. I know several people who have been (or are now) going through this, and some have a difficult time putting this into words.
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That is precisely my goal, to give voice to an experience many have had but don’t have the words to communicate. And I hope it will help other folks like me, comfort them, to see their challenges mirrored in this way.
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I’m again blown away by the power, the intensity and the deep meaning of your words. ” . . . carried close to/ each of us/ so we are, each of us . . . “
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Thank you, Lisa. It means so much that the poem communicates in an ordinary way, as well. That’s really the point, isn’t it? To show–my experience is not so different from yours–to normalize–an important way to reduce stigma!
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Hi Kathy, your poem is very moving. Your bravery and courage to share your story inspiring. You are offering a great gift to many, of whom most you will never know. Keep up the good work. Marlene
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Thanks so much, Marlene! Your perspective means a lot to me–a whole lot. I’m so glad you are reading!
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I so appreciate your honesty and bravery to share this painful part of your personal history. This poem struck me as both utterly powerful…but maybe also skeptical? In the beginning, it seems as though the narrator isn’t sure this “day treatment,” spending her Monday “sprawled/ against straight backs,” will actually work. But maybe as she listens to the feelings of her group, she realizes that “each of us” also struggles, and maybe that’s good enough for group day treatment–coming to a place of camaraderie. Thank you for sharing this with us. I look forward to reading more and to seeing where your journey takes you. 🙂
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Really great insight, Amanda–because I still have some skepticism about the “treatment”—there is soooooooo much room for improvement in the way we treat the chronically mentally ill.
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Kathy–
kudos to you for grabbing hold of your Pandora’s Box…
and letting loose the loveliness of chaos and illness and the journey to understanding, of finding equilibrium.
you are very brave, mucho bravalina… 🙂
blessings
jane
http://www.nexttonormal.com/ (if it is touring ANYWHERE near you…please see it…)
http://www.amazon.com/Next-Normal-Original-Broadway-Cast/dp/B001VRDRFG
and you can hear the opening song from the show here:
and Diana’s song about missing the highs and lows of bi-polar life…
ok–inundating you with next to normal…but. it must be done. 🙂 This is powerful…powerful stuff…and now you have the broadband to hear it, to feel it…
much love to you, sweet friend.
jane
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Jane–how can I thank you enough for the music! I don’t know how to tell you how much I appreicate it. Wow–this is AMAZING stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW——————-
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You are indeed one brave woman my friend.
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Thanks, Charles. I’m glad you think so, but in some ways sharing feels like the easier route at this time. It would be more difficult to remain silent–strangely enough!
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I appreciate you putting yourself out there too, Kathy…it takes a lot of guts to do that!
Hugs,
Wendy
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It only seems fair that someone who can tell the story of mental illness and the potential for recovery tell it. It has to be shared, so more people can know there is hope!
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It must be harrowing for you to look back upon these poems and these particularly intense chapters of your life. Kudos to your courage and bravery in sharing! I appreciate it, and I hope the process of exploring and opening up will be amazingly therapeutic for you (not to mention informative, encouraging, and enlightening for those who read your work).
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You know what’s strange? In some ways it feels like a huge relief to share at this point. It’s good to get this all off my chest. It feels freeing, really.
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So great to shed some light on mental illness, as more and more people do this it helps to reduce the stigmatization.
You are brave and courageous, and clearly getting stronger by the day. Keep up the open door policy and let your light shine!
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You have hit the nail on the head, Deanna! That’s it exactly. The more people who share, the more mental illness is normalized in the eyes of folks who have not experienced it and the less stigma!!!!! How great that you see that! Thanks for noticing, my friend!
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The image of the “hot coal”…wow, Kathy, this is truly moving. The others have said it already, but bravo to you for your courage. I know several people with bipolar disorder, and I know they’ll appreciate and relate to your words.
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That’s great Maura. Please feel free to send them my way. I’m so glad the image of the hot coal communicates well–cool–I mean hot!
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This is powerful, Kathy.
I admire the way you’re going at this. You are a courageous woman!
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Thanks for reading, Robin! I’m glad you think I’m courageous. Often it doesn’t feel that way though–but maybe I am a bit–bold at least.
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Way to go, Kathy! Very inspiring! You are a courageous woman and a Miracle too!
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You know what, Marianne–it is a miracle! Truly–no one thought I would recover. The prognosis was bleak! Thanks for reminding me of that!
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You are welcome! You know, I’m in the process of starting a new self-hosted WP blog called, Miracle Mama. It will feature miracle stories and magical moments. I’d love for you to contribute your miracle stories. Let me know what you think about that. Hoping to get a first post up in the next few weeks.
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I would love to contribute, Marianne! Are there any in particular I’ve posted so far that speak to you?
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Your comment that, “”—there is soooooooo much room for improvement in the way we treat the chronically mentally ill” rings so true to me. My brother had bi-polar disorder (w/ schizophrenia tendancies) and my mother works with the mentally ill and I’ve seen this to be true so so often.-heartbreakingly often. It was moving to read this. Thank you for sharing!
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Sounds like your brother has the same diagnosis I do. My official one is a bipolar type of schizoaffective disorder. Sounds like that’s what your brother has.
And, yes, there truly is so much room for improving the way we treat the mentally ill, it’s sad–so sad! I wish I knew how to make that change happen.
Thanks so much for reading! Hope you’ll come back.
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