It’s time I face it, folks.
I’m a control freak.
There, I said it.
My name is Kathy, and I’m a control freak–
Especially when it comes to creativity.
Now that I’m home in Kentucky and writing about my mental health history, I want to control the creative process, above all else. I want to make it what I think it should be, what I “know” it ought to be. I don’t like letting go, and the more I look back at my not-so-sane past, the more afraid I am of letting go, diving into the wreck, as Adrienne Rich would say.
At the beginning of the week I struggled, felt like I was slipping, losing my grip on the here and now, the sanity of this time, this place, break though symptoms my doctor calls them.
Two things happen that are warning signs for me. First, my legs shake uncontrollably. And second, I hear a sing-song chorus of children’s voices—rhyming words senselessly—no meaning—only sound.
Since both were happening this week, I’ve been afraid.
Afraid, especially, to go to the creative space that’s deep inside and difficult, even dangerous, to get to—since it’s the same place the voices live.
—a place that’s real and rich, saturated with sound and syntax—a place swimming with creative gifts—where words live, copulate and reproduce.
But when I don’t go there, then “there” begins spilling into here, into now—and I don’t know how to stem the tide—untangle the words, the jumble that happens in translation.
So, going “there” becomes essential, becomes both an artistic and mental health imperative.
There’s no avoiding it.
And there’s no way out but in.
Wow. Beautiful pictures and beautiful writing.
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Thanks so much, Heather! I’m so glad you enjoy this! Hope you are doing well!
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Wow is right. Your posts are very powerful Kathy, you can just feel the creativity bursting and then free flowing. Love them.
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You are dear! How cool that you can feel the creativity flowing! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
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Bite the bit, fold your ears back and ride like the wind! You’ll be ok.
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Exactly! Ride like the wind——————— Hope you all have a good weekend. Stay safe and radiation free!
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Perhaps it:’s in and through.
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Yes, dear Marlene, definitely through! Hope you’re doing okay and have a peaceful weekend—————————
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Hello, my name is Lisa and you are not alone. We will be here to help you through this, and you will find the words and peace.
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I LOVE this comment Lisa! “Hello, my name is Kathy, and I feel the support.” Hugs to you, my friend——————
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The break through symptoms you describe–especially the sound–are haunting. Is it possibly to try to capture the sing-song chorus in your writing–maybe a poem?
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Great idea, Sarah! Actually, I have one that comes close to doing this–not exactly but almost. I will try to post it Monday or Tuesday. And, yes, it is kind of haunting. Hope you all stay dry this weekend————-
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Time to put on the full armor…and delve in. Know you are safe and surrounded by your love, Sara, who will be there to hold your hand and help you through…
blessings, and best–
(from one control freak to another)
jane
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Ah, so you are similarly afflicted with the need to control! But, yes, I do feel well-loved and supported. Happy Easter, Jane!
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I feel like Jane….love provides the key and strength needed…peace be with you.
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You are so might, Charles. Love is indeed the answer to almost all things. Love conquers all! Happy Easter, my friend!
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I love the colors in your artwork. If “letting go” leads to that sort of creativity, it can’t be all bad!
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Thanks, Mark, that’s the thing–it isn’t all bad. Some of it is incredibly good, and some equally painful–a true double-edged sword. Take care————–
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“no way out but in”… brilliant and no doubt scary. We’re cheering you on all the while!
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Horray for the cheering section, as well–love you guys! Thanks, Tori——————
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“Damn the torpedoes, Full speed ahead!” Admiral David Glasgow Farragut
We’re with you, Kathy!
Hugs,
Wendy
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Thanks, Wendy! You all are awesome–not to mention dear. Hope you have a great weekend—————-
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The journey in is always the scariest and ultimately, the most rewarding. Your art illuminates the path, and we are all so honored to be walking it with you.
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You are so right, Renee! It is the journey in that is the most terrifying, but if it weren’t scarey as hell, it would not be nearly as rewarding and life-changing. Hugs to you, my friend!
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Hello control freak Kathy! I am self-professed Idiot Mark! I love your work! Very creative…..for a control freak! 🙂
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Hello my friend! I am actually an idiot myself, as well. Are you a control freak at all? I would guess not——- Hope you have a great weekend, Mark. And stay safe on that bike!
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From one control freak to another: I say GO FOR IT! Hopefully your journeys within yourself can feel safer for you now, especially with the network of online support you’ve cultivated on your blog by sharing your beautiful writing and pieces of artwork. We are all here to cheer you on, Kathy, so full steam ahead! 🙂 Have a wonderful Easter!
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Ah, thank you, Dana. We had a delightful Easter with our families, and I am feeling soooooooo much better this week. I appreciate your support, my friend!
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Beautiful writing!
So your artwork also changes when you’re experiencing symptoms? Does your handwriting change too?
Reading what you experience is very interesting and at the same time scary for me. When I’m experiencing 24/7 pain I sometimes have these “blackouts”. I don’t lose consciousness, but I can’t move and my brain feels like it’s buzzing (like a short circuit). I then have this reoccurring waking dream like remnants of normal dreams put together in a sequence which makes no sense. I’ve tried to write down my thoughts, but when I come out of it either I can’t read my handwriting, or the words and word sequence make absolutely no sense.
Again thanks for sharing such a personal, and what must be painful to recall, experience.
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Wow, Lisa, your expereince sounds horribly disorienting, as well. I wonder what would happen if you tried speaking into a voice recorder instead of writing, to see if that helps. The thing you might find is that there’s an unexpected kind of logic to what you share–a twist on things as you usually see them. Wow.
Actually, I don’t think my art changes. The piece I shared here was not done while I was symptomatic. I used it because of it’s focus on the word “spring”–how I start this post. And actually, that’s just a small piece a larger mixed media painting. I don’t know if my handwriting changes.
These are fascinating questions, Lisa, as usual! I love what you think to ask!
By the way, I think I know what you mean my the short circuiting feeling. My brain doesn’t feel like it’s buzzing but like it running on a parallel track to its normal functioning and there’s no way to switch back over.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing yourself!
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Catching up after the hectic holiday, but sending good, healing thoughts and prayers your way.
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Thanks so much. Hope you had a lovely Easter!
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What a marvelous post.
To me, it sounds like two different processes were in progress, but I want to check that out with you. Do you always experience break-through symptoms as you prepare to write or make art? Does stress/fear trigger the symptoms sometimes? What is it about the creative process you want to control? What is it you felt you needed to let go of?
I hope you don’t mind me asking. I feel I’m on the verge of standing with you in this place.
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Great questions! Often I experience break through symptoms when I create–not always, but very often. I think that creativity puts me in touch with a part of my brain that remains unchanged by the medication–if that makes sense. Also, stress almost always triggers symptoms. I would say one of the greatest coping skills I gained from many years of therapy, was how to recognize when things were beginning to overwhelm me, but I don’t always manage to avoid stress. Also, I would say the thing I want to control but often can’t when I create are breakthrough symptoms, especially certain voices I still hear.
No, I don’t mind you asking at all! Thanks so much for reading, commenting, and taking the time to ask!
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