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Call me the Shit Whisperer (Ecuador Beware)


Don’t ask me how it happened, at least not this time around.

But now Cesar Milan hates us even more.

Sure, my partner Sara and I are fine people.  We moved to Haiti after the earthquake in 2010.  We’re people who love people.

However, our dogs behave badly.

And now our Maltese Lucy has pooped in our bed TWICE in the past month.

two white dogs

Looks can be deceiving–

You see, whispering is not our strong suit.

In fact, Ralph and Lucy may be the least well-behaved in the long and illustrious history of canine misconduct.

Some of you may recall I was forced to write about this issue two years ago, as well.

In the middle of the night, in the summer of 2012, I had stopped to empty my own under-sized bladder before taking the dogs out for their potty break.   From the bathroom I yelled at Lucy—“Don’t pee anywhere.”  I feared she might herself urinate inside before I had the chance to rise from my throne of piss-poor-pooch-parenting and escort her, still needing to pee, proudly outside to do her business.

In this instance, she managed to contain herself, so to speak.  Later, that same week, however, Ralph failed.

white dog with bone

“Who, me?”

Miserably.

Four times in a row.

Thankfully, he didn’t relieve himself on the rug Sara’d brought back after a year in Afghanistan.  By some miracle of canine justice he managed not to pee on that rug.

But did I mention he did do it four times?

Never mind that he’d been taking steroids for skin allergies, consuming copious amounts of water, and taking him outside every two hours wasn’t often enough.

Yes, I know this wasn’t Ralph’s fault—not a behavioral but a medical issue.

However, it underscored to Sara and me, just how close we’ve come to pathetic failures as pet parents.  I suppose we’ve gone to the dogs, in some sadly literal sense.  You be the judge.

But, clearly, we need help.  A lot of it!

You see, Lucy not only poops on our bed, but also a myriad of unfortunate spots.

Maltese

“It’s all an ugly lie, what they say about me. I poop in all the proper places.”

Mostly we don’t know where, however, because Ralph eats her feces before we have a chance to clean up the excremental mess.

I don’t mean to sicken anyone.  I’m only trying to lay out the sad scope of our dysfunction.

Lucy even pooped once on the small rug an Afghan friend of Sara’s had woven in the likeness of my partner’s face.

rug with face

Okay, it’s not a perfect reproduction of Sara’s face, but the poop was somewhere near the nose.

It’s one thing to walk all over your puppy parents.  It’s another to poop on them.  But to poop on their finely woven wool face?

Again, you be the judge.

A few of you may recall this story–

But once, when Lucy was a puppy and I was teaching writing at my state’s flagship university, I took her to class with me.  My students had asked to “meet” her.  I obliged.  But we were a few students too many to gather comfortably around the conference room table.  The space was small, the table large.  Lucy weighed about 2 pounds, so she slept on the table next to me—my jacket a make-shift nest.  Later in the hour, while we were deep in a discussion of successful essay endings, Lucy woke without my noticing, walked a few feet, assumed the I’m-gonna-shit position and did JUST that.  Did it on my student Brenda’s (not her real name) “I-Bleed-Big-Blue” binder.

Yeah.  I was in a bind, alright.  I felt like crap.  Lucy managed to literally accomplish both with one tiny turd left on one not-so-tiny table.

It broke the ice, however.  I never lived it down with those particular students.  Excremental jokes abounded for the rest of the semester.  That incident may even be recorded on the Rate-My-Professor website for all I know.  Honestly, I haven’t checked.  I’ve been afraid to.

True, the “accident” didn’t keep me from winning the department’s annual “Best Instructor Award” several months later—but Best Pet Whisperer Award?  That’s another matter.

So, in all seriousness, Sara and I fear this calls for an intervention.  It’s not necessarily up to you to offer aid.  We clearly require professional help.

Let’s face it, my partner and I may be inducted into the Poor Pet Parenting Hall of Fame before the week is out.  It’s too late for lay assistance.

I’m already the Shit Whisperer.

dog on shoulder

Call me the shit whisperer.

So, Ecuador beware.  Our pet excrement dysfunction has been brought to bear on Cuenca and could soon spread nation-wide.

It could get ugly.

However, we wonder if anyone else has struggled with pet potty training—even little people potty training.  Surely we’re not alone in this.  So, Sara and I, feeling intensely lonely in our failure, want to hear your stories.  What pet nightmares have your survived?

143 thoughts on “Call me the Shit Whisperer (Ecuador Beware)”

  1. Ah! That poor rug. I’m sure it still has Thomas’s chocolate milk spill from our visit! I am sorely lacking in the dog training department. I promised myself I’d be the strict, rule-abiding dog parent with our new-ish pup….. but I forgot. Now she chews & barks to her heart’s content!

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    • Yeah, that rug has been through a lot, I’m afraid–Thomas’s milk being one of the least among them. Sorry to hear your suffer from the same affliction. What’s wrong with us? Yeah, must be the memory. We forget! LOL

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  2. Dear Shit Whisperer,

    I find the poop plopping near your partner’s nose to be quite humorous. And I find the Big Blue Binder Poo Scandal to be almost as funny (the poop on Sara is funniEST!). But you cannot be the worst Pet Parents ever because you LOVE your Lucy and Ralph. I remember a few other stories of the efforts, sweat and tears you’ve gone through to have your pets with you and taken care of. And…..wasn’t it the beautiful pets that brought you together???? Shit Whisperer you may be…..but Doting Dog Duo you are as well.

    Much hugs and love from Bike Whisperer. 🙂

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    • Thanks, Robert. Wonderful to hear from you this fine morning. It will come out in the wash. Good point. Wish our dogs had the sense your song birds do! How to I get that message across? Hope you are staying warm. Don’t even know what the weather is like in your part of the US today!

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  4. Cats here so I can’t help you. But have you tried looking on Cesar’s website for an answer? I think consistency helps as well as positive reinforcement. Perhaps a cookie when the deed is done in the proper place? Works with potty training the less furry brand of kid! 🙂

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  5. Honey- I feel your strain- I mean pain. Our new puppy eats our other dog’s poo as he’s in the act. And- since she doesn’t like the cold she poos wherever she feels like it. With me watching. Rrrrrrr If she weren’t so cute I’d have accidentally left her in someone else’s backyard. Instead of giving in, I called a dog trainer. Stay tuned.

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  6. Could it simply be a matter of Lucy, in particular, not giving a shit about where she shits? I know this will floor you but I’m not a pet psychologist. Yet it seems to me that your hounds use pooping as a ploy for attention. What a pity they can’t simply text you about whatever it is that’s chapping their butts.

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    • You NOT a pet psychologist?! Or maybe Lucy is just insisting to us that shit happens. When will I learn? Suppose you could teach her to text? I think, to be totally serious, that Lucy had poop hanging in t her long hair when we went to bed. Couldn’t help but try laugh about it.

      Hope you are staying warm. I have no idea what your weather is like today. More snow?

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  7. our beloved cat has probably caused well over a thousand dollars in damage to our clothes, furniture, carpets etc but my two sons and my husband love the cat so much that we put up with it–though I am willing to bet they would not keep me if I had done so much damage

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  8. Jasper will leave us presents when he is upset with us. It doesn’t happen often, but occasionally, if we are gone too long, he leaves things in unexpected places (like Sarah’s bed). Lizzy is getting old, and now has difficulty discerning when she needs to poop or when she is hungry. Poop Balls just sort of fall out of her without her even knowing it, or she scootches and leaves a poopy trail. But there’s nothing we can do about it except yell “Lizzy” and go on with life, because as far as we can tell it’s simply a sign of age and she’s still got a lot of life in her.

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    • Wonderful to hear from you this morning, Lisa. Hadn’t though about the age issue. That could be part of Ralph’s problem, as well, as he is now 9. With Lucy, it may be more behavioral or a matter of poop clinging to her long hair and falling once she’s back inside. I try to remember to check but often forget. Suppose I need a new t-shirt that says “Poop Patrol.” LOL Hope you all are staying warm. Hug to all of you, Lisa, Lizzy included.

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  9. Having gone to the dogs recently, as you and Sara know, I relate to this, especially the rug trauma. One year before two orphaned dogs came knocking at my front door, I seriously considered the purchase of a Persian Rug. I capitalized “Rug” because of the gianormous expense involved; the price was equal to a car. But, I dont do a lot of “shopping,” having always been a non-materialistic citizen, so this was a big decision, for me, morally and financially. The first thing I “whispered” to the little dahlings was: Y’all cant go near this rug; each time they started in that direction, the whisper became a blood curdling scream; they seemed to get the idea. Then, one day I had to step outside to take trash. When I returned, there was the GIANT WET SPOT in the handwoven border of the most sacred objet d’art I’ve ever possessed. Since, I did not witness the crime, and having been told “if you dont see the crime you can’t punish” I broke all parenting rules, shoved both of their noses into the plush wet red wool then threw (not tossed) them out into the cold rain, leaving them there for a goodly amount of time until my blood pressure stabilized. Reflecting on the trauma, I’m amazed that I never considered taking them to a shelter for disposal or adoption. They are my “chlldren” and I LOVE THEM.

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  10. I know you’re not asking for advice, but I work for a vet, so will give one bit anyway. There are several products out there – most non-prescription – that are for sprinkling on the dog’s food. it does nothing except make their feces unpalatable. One is called “nasty habit”…there are several on the market. The problem is, you’ll have to find which brand works for Ralph, and they aren’t cheap. I tried two before i found the one that would deter Rosa Parks…and I only used it long enough to break the habit. A two pound dog…you could have her little droppings bronzed and make bitty keep-sake ornaments (dangly earrings? zipper fobs?) from her offerings! This is hilarious, good writing and totally something I identify with. I’m not much of a dog trainer either. Thanks, Kathy!

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    • Thank you SOOOOOO much, Cindy, for the advice. I wonder if I could purchase that stuff here. Will have to ask. I had no idea such a product existed. Good to know.

      Glad you enjoyed the potty humor. Hope you are staying warm!

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  12. I have to snort at your amusement in such a crappy situation – snorts. Sorry – this little oinker had to go there. You know me too well. One of our purr things, Mouse Girl (AKA OMG [oh mouse girl] as dad likes to call her) is a problem child. Mom and dad have to keep their bedroom door closed during the day because at times she will sneak in there and try to leave a gift on their bed. Chaperoned she is fine – she just can’t go in there by herself. She doesn’t have medical issues – she has purr thing issues – snorts. If she doesn’t get enough attention, she finds it in the way she knows she will get it. And let me add that Mouse Girl is a Maine Coon kitty. Mommy says she sh($*!s like Sasquatch. Hope you fix your problem soon. XOXO – Bacon

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    • Oh, Bacon, you ALWAYS make me laugh! Sorry to hear you have issues with Mouse Girl–or rather your parents do–or do-do, as the case may be. My Lucy does well when chaperoned, as well. Maybe it does have something to do with wanting attention. Stay warm–and snorts to you, as well! Hugs!

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  13. Oh, dear! Well, since we’re into confession, I’ll own up to my own dog, Sally’s transgressions. Yes, my rescue dog Sally, poops and pees inside because it’s too cold for her highness to get her hiney outside. She poops on my sister’s floors out of spite if my sister leaves her behind and takes her own dog somewhere. And, yes, she has pooped and peed on my bed and my sister’s bed. She’s incorrigible. She knows full well to go outside. She just chooses not to sometimes. I am at a loss as to what to do, given that it’s willfully bad behavior. But I love her dearly and even though I tell her that I’m going to post a “FREE DOG” sign on her back and set her outside, I know that I could never give her up. I’m of no help to you, here, dear friend.

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    • So sorry to hear you have excrement issues with Sally. Buy you and your sister sound like good sports about it. I could never give up my dogs either. They are dear to us. Take care, my friend. Hope you are doing well, despite the poop.

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  14. Suggestions? I’m not sure you’ll like them but they are not mean and they do work. It’s just a time consuming process. You have to stop the behavior. Crate. If they are not in a crate they are on leaches tethered to you. You can also use doggie diapers for those moments when you can’t watch them but it won’t solve the problem and might make it worse. They may pee in their crates, although most pups don’t like too, however it’s easier to clean up. Do not make a big deal out of the pee-poo incidents. Just grab them without fan fare take them outside, if they do something, anything, let them stay out with you in the house on a leach. If they don’t, wordlessly, put them in a crate. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Each time they have an accident in your home it will reinforce your problem. It’s not really their problem :-D.
    Happy to answer questions but please don’t call me the pee whisperer, K?
    Good luck and I admire your willingness to struggle with this problem, many people won’t…..

    ♥ from snowy Chicago.

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    • Thanks for the professional advice, Katybeth. I know that Ralph peed back then because of the steroids he was taking. We solved that by taking up the water before we left the house, so he couldn’t consume so much. He hasn’t had an accident in a couple of years. I think Lucy’s issue has more to do with the poop clinging to her long hair sometimes–a signal it’s time for grooming. We can go months and months with no issues. Just had to put them all in one post for the sake of humor. Appreciate your insight and advice! Stay warm!

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  15. LOL
    Kathy, so funny and I know all too true! I have two Golden Retrievers, their poo is large, as for wetting, get a bucket.
    Now that Riley the older male can no longer walk, poo and pee clean up is a regular duty. Of course we have create a space for that to happen with changing of towels and positions. The washer and dryer get a lot of activity at the moment.
    As for Muffin, she needs to be walked several times a day…
    Of course there have been accidents while Riley could still walk, if I didn’t get up in time, you know dad was having a lazy day…

    We are still in the midst of winter, today icy rain on top of snow from a few days ago… yet Muffing insist going for her walks…

    ((Hugs))
    Jeff

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    • I’m so glad you enjoyed this post, Jeff. Sorry to hear about Riley’s situation. That sounds like a lot of work, but you are a good pet parent. And good that you walk Muffin so often. We are not always that good. Hope you endure the ice. Don’t fall. That stuff can be treacherous! Hugs to you, too!!!!!

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  16. This story is hilarious, Kathy! Oh, the frustrations we can have with the ones we love! My daughter’s dog, Bagel, when he comes to visit, doesn’t hesitate to leave little turds all over our house. And my sister’s cat, when I visited her in California, didn’t hesitate to pee on my bed the minute I left the room; I stupidly left the guest room door open despite my sister’s warnings to close it whenever I walked out of the room for anything! The incidents of Ralph eating Lucy’s poop really take the cake!! Good luck and hugs to you! 🙂

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    • I’m so happy to have helped you laugh this morning! I have heard of other cats peeing on beds. Fortunately, we never had that kind of issue when we have cats of our own. Cat pee is vile smelling. Sorry to hear, also, that Bagel leaves you presents. Cute name. What kind of dog? Take care and hugs to you, too. Good luck with the job search!!

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  17. Arthur has trained himself to poop and pee on the area rug in our foyer by the front door if we are not around to let him out, if we are around but have neglected to let him out, or if he just feels like it. He ruined a nice plush carpet before we got smart and started buying the washable Target variety. I recently bought Puppy Pads and put one down in place of the rug, thinking I could gradually move it through the foyer, around the corner, down the long hallway and into a more appropriate location like the laundry room perhaps. But so far he has not used the Puppy Pad once. Keep me posted about your successes.

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  18. We have had many pets over the years. This includes dogs, cats and horses. Most of the dogs were very good about taking their business outside, but under ‘special circumstances’ there have been problems. We have a dog door and a fenced yard so the dogs let themselves out as necessary.
    While keeping a mastif for a friend who was in Afghanistan we had an electric fence ‘hot wire’ running along the bottom of the fence to deter a black lab escape expert. When the mastif hit the hot wire he ran back into the house and would not go back out into the yard. A 150 pound dog can release a LOT of pee onto the floor!
    A small dog (perhaps 10 pounds) that we rescued from the very wet swamp (this is southern Louisiana so everywhere is swamp when it rains a lot) did not like to go outside when it was cold, raining or very wet. In addition to doing her business inside Poppy was a master at chewing small holes in any new blanket. We finally gave Poppy to our daughter who is a vet in Northern Michigan. Poppy decided that she did not like snow either.
    Our current dogs seem to only have potty problems when it is cold or raining while the wind is blowing hard. In those conditions we close the dog door to help keep the house warm or dry. If we forget to unlatch the dog door then some problems can develop, but that’s our fault.
    BobK

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    • Thank you so much for your comment, Bob. Sounds like you’ve had some canine challenges of your own. I fear I don’t envy your having to clean up the pee of the mastiff. I can’t even imagine how liquid that must have been! Poppy sounds like a hoot of a hound. My Maltese Lucy does not like to go out in the rain and our terrier mix is afraid of wind. Damn weather! LOL

      Loved hearing from you today. Hope you have better puppy luck in the future!

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      • Actually our luck with puppies has been great, even with the problems. These critters are our family. Even the rabbit that runs across the driveway and the owl that hoots outside the barn – we do live in a barn.

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      • Ha, ha! Pretty cool that you live in a barn–literal or figurative. Yes, these animals are our family, as well. Can’t imagine life without them. Great to hear from you today! Thanks for the comment.

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  19. This really made me laugh! I have two ‘special needs’ pets, a poodle/terrier mix dog named Daisy and a tuxedo cat named James Bond. The things we do for our furbabies. 🙂

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    • So happy to have given you a good laugh this morning. Yes, we do so much for the furry members of our families. Great to hear from you this morning.

      By the way, your essay in Rumpus was so powerful! Several of my FB friends were moved, as well. Congrats again on that publication! So cool. I’m a big believe in redeeming our painful pasts. I’ve had my share, including a decade during which bipolar disorder nearly did my in. Thank God for the meds we have these days. They have helped change my life–that, and LOTS of therapy.

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  20. Hahaha. My beloved beagle, Grommet (God rest his soul), didn’t have potty training issues. But he did love to eat EVERYTHING he could get his paws on and then barf all over the house when whatever he ate made him sick. He once broke into the refrigerator, ate everything he could fit into his stomach, then spread the rest all over the apartment. Another time he ate an entire cherry pie, then threw up everywhere. He was also fond of garbage and cat feces.

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  21. Kathy – I cracked up reading this all on my own, and then got to crack up along with Len as I re-read it aloud to him. As pet parents ourselves, we find it hysterical.

    Two Tuesdays from now you’ll be reading about “The Hurl Principle” over at Tuesdays with Laurie.” Similar issue — different body function. Dogs —ya gotta love ’em!

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    • Ah, I feel honored you shared this one with Len. And I’m delighted you both had a good laugh this morning. Can’t wait to read you upcoming post! Yeah, hard not to love our furry friends and family members. Have a great day and stay warm!

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  22. Jesus, thank heavens I was laughing too much to actually spew…the bit about Ralph eating Lucy’s poo – ew! Then again, I kind of love Ralph all the more for that…it’s disgusting but it also seems so loving and sweetly domesticated at the same time. No advice. Just desperately want to attend one of your special writing classes! 😉

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    • Oh, K, you have made my day! Glad you were able to avoid the dreaded spew! Just don’t let your husband read this one. He may never want a dog. But then again, you may have rethought the entire thing, having read it. Poor us. Pet parenting definitely has it’s ups and downs. But the way I look at it–shit happens!

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  24. That poor rug! 🙂
    Reggie has a lot of issues, but taking care of business outside isn’t one of them thankfully. Since we live on the 5th floor, it takes a while to get outside!

    I sympathize with poor Ralph’s plight. A few years ago, Reggie was on medication that made him very, very thirsty, so he had to pee a lot. In those days he had accidents in the apartment, but he couldn’t help it. Once he was off the medication, he was able to go outside again.

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    • Yes, Ralph’s issue was the same. Medication made him have to pee. Actually, we felt sorry for him during that time–though sorry for ourselves, as well. Good to know Reggie no longer has potty issues. With Lucy, well, who knows with her. Great to hear from you today. Hope you all are doing well.

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  25. I don’t have much dog expertise but I tend to treat animal matters like young children. Have you been busier of late? Could they be sensing a shift in your attention? Children misbehave on the strangest ways when they feel insecure–bedwetting and more. I have read that it’s a mistake to give animals human qualities, but I’m not convinced!

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    • Yes, I’ve read the same thing, but I suppose it’s too late now. I can’t imagine changing the way I think. We have had some changes recently, with my nephew coming to live with us, but these issues seem to have cleared up since his arrival. Suppose we should keep him around. Seriously, we had gone nearly a year with no isues, then the two incident with Lucy in January, but since Johnny has arrived, no issue in the past 2 weeks. Hmmmmmmmm. Gotta give that some thought. Great to hear from you today. Hope your week is going well.

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      • I will be interested in hearing how things progress with your pups, Kathryn! This has to be hard…stay away from the Afghani rug. 🙂 My response this morning cut off…I should never blog from my iPhone. LOL! It has a mind of its own. 🙂

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      • Thanks. Smart phones–sometimes a little too dumb. Right? Or maybe I’m too dumb for them. My fingers can’t even manage to text correctly, let alone comment from one. Have a great weekend!

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  26. Once when Tony was toilet training, we were in the living room playing. He got up suddenly and ran off to the kitchen. I followed and found him squatted, fully clothed in the middle of the kitchen floor. I said, “Tony, what are you doing?” He threw his hand in the air, giving me the international sign for “Stop!” and said, in a strained voice (as if pushing something heavy), “Shhh! I’m pooping.” Top that, Lucy!

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  27. FWIW, at first glance I thought the dark excrement was simply a part in the woven figure’s hair.

    I can’t relate to this otherwise because I’ve never had the pleasure of owning a dog. It’s always been cats, and they have always taken to the litter box, with few exceptions. There’s a lot to be said for the cleanliness of a pussy.

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  28. i still cant figure out why doggs eat their poop. maybe they are just cleaning up after themselves..or recycling, prepping for a future famine.

    cute story!

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    • Ha, ha. Had to laugh at what you said about prepping for future famine! Who knows. I’ve heard a number of reasons. Surely, it’s not because it tastes good, right?! Thanks so much for your comment. Wonderful to hear from you. Hope you’ll come back again soon!

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  29. Did this always happen or has something precipitated the change in behaviour ?

    BTW there may be non- vet things you can put on their food to make their poop unpalatable. I just found this on the web:

    “You have to do WHATEVER you do to all the resident dogs food — pumpkin might help, papaya might help (papaya juice works best – and I just stirred it into the homecooked food I made).

    DO NOT USE meat tenderizer. it’s 99% salt and when I tried it years ago (at a vet’s suggestion) I wound up with ALL of my dogs having kidney problems for a while. It’s just plain almost PURE salt with some papaya enzyme (which is really what apparently can be effective). “

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    • Good question. As I said to someone else, we have had some changes recently, with my nephew coming to live with us, but these issues seem to have cleared up since his arrival. Suppose we should keep him around. Seriously, we had gone nearly a year with no issues, then the two incidents with Lucy in January, but since Johnny has arrived, no issue in the past 2 weeks.

      Thanks for mentioning the other options for making the poop taste bad! That is really helpful!

      Great to hear from you today.

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  30. No pooh story but we did have a big, beautiful Golden Retriever who got into our son’s Easter basket one year and gobbled down a load of chocolate. Immediately we called our vet who told us to give our Golden several tablespoons of Pepto Bismol (she was a big girl and needed a good-sized dose). My hubby held her mouth open while I administered the first dose and all seemed fine until she discovered she did not like the taste. Head shaking and a ” blluuurrrpppt” and out came all that Pepto Bismol onto our kitchen cabinets. We went through this same routine a couple more times until our vet said she thought all was fine and the chocolate had not proved toxic. Oh yeah, no one told us the “pink stuff” comes in tablet form!

    Once again, great writing on your part that evoked some vivid images. Like we have heard so many times over the years with raising kids, “We think it’s a stage.” Enjoy your precious pups who have given you some marvelous writing material!

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    • Oh no! The Easter basket-Pepto Bismol story sounds awful. And I bet that pink stuff wasn’t easy to clean up, either. Yes, their are tablets. Too bad the vet didn’t think to share that little detail with you.

      Glad you enjoyed the writing. The dogs have, indeed, given me some good stories, for which I’m grateful.

      Wonderful to hear from you today. Hope you are doing well! Thanks for leaving a comment!

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  31. Ahhhh! This is an ongoing argument in our home frequently. My partner Renee likes animals more than humans, but I detest the ideas of these “accidents”. Our poor dogs get quarantined after such events, as I cannot handle the aroma…though our dogs are much bigger. Once, when Renee’s mom was visiting, she brought along her little hotdog kind of dog. It wouldn’t eat dog food, only fresh hamburger and bacon, or bacon chew strips!! The dog was either constipated or had diarrhea all over my carpets…It made me crazy, but she was our guest. Renee’s mom was too old to be able to see all the mess to clean it up, so I was constantly scrubbing carpets, which infuriated me more. Then, after lighting candles all over my house, then sending my boys to clean their bathroom, then after they set fire to the paper towel that they were cleaning with, then when they threw it on the ground in fear, then as it burned a hole in by flooring, and as they were screaming for me to help, and after I ran to their rescue…. I saw that same woman( renees mom), on the floor putting out that fire in a way that Id never seen her clean the floors!!….The moral of the story is….I dont think I can help!:)

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    • OMG–Now THAT sounds like hell! Yikes! You seriously have my empathy after that poopy tale–or shall I say “tail.”

      In our house, I’m the one who always has to clean up the messes–especially if one of our dogs vomits, as Sara says it makes here sick.

      The moral of the story for you, is to light the puppy’s poop on fire. Then Renee’s mom might spring into action?

      Have a great weekend, my friend.

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  32. Well, I suppose I finally have something to be thankful for. My dogs haven’t pooped on the bed. Though Oliver has been known to pee on it. And both can throw up at a moment’s notice, sometimes in unison. 😉
    But seriously, I love the sardonic humor in this. What are Ralph and Lucy trying to tell you? You might consider using a scare tactic like heading over to the neighborhood pound and hinting that they always take new, ahem, clients. Maybe they’ll take the hint and start being on their best behavior. On the other hand, I’m the last person to look to for advice. After all, we’ve got a small “pee” problem. Enough said.

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    • Oh, no, Monica. Sad as it is to say, I think I’d prefer poop in the bed to pee. At least the former doesn’t wet the mattress. It would be hard to get the smell out–though cat pee is worse. So you have that to be thankful for, as well. Great to hear from you, Monica. Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to get to these comments. Did a reading of my memoir, chapter 9, at an event here in Cuenca and was busy getting it in shape. Have a wonderful, pee-free weekend!

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  33. Oh, dear. I’m so sorry. And on Sara’s face as well! How rude!

    We’ve certainly had our share of animal accidents 😦 One of our old rescue cats, Bear, was just shocking at going in the tray… as in, he just didn’t. We would find poo everywhere–under the stairs, for example, and one time, we kept thinking we could smell it, and I was looking everywhere, everywhere, and eventually found it… on the dining table. (I should point out that we didn’t use the dining table to eat off in those days!) I think the worst was when I woke up one summer evening, wondering why my legs were sweating so much. They weren’t. Bear had peed on me.

    I think the depths of grossness was when our current dog, Molly–TMI ALERT!–‘cleaned up’ the poo from one of the cats… and then threw up on the kitchen floor. I mean, I’ve changed a lot of nappies in my time and dealt with my share of all sorts of disgusting child-stuff, but this was just… ew. I’m shuddering just thinking about it now!

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    • Oh, dear, this may be one of the worse pet excrement stories I’ve heard–perhaps, because cat pee is NOT easy to clean. I mean, the smell gets into things and STAYS. We had our cats pee on our hard wood floors once when we had a cat sitter who didn’t clean it up. Now, THAT was a pisser, indeed.

      Great stories. Thanks for sharing your “tails” of animal misfortune! Great to hear from you. Have a wonderful weekend!

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  34. Miles luckily is good about holding both pee and poop. He has other behavior problems, but he can manage that. Now our cat, Att, has urinary issues and has been known to pee not in his box. And he pukes everywhere all the time. That cat is a puker. Then right afterwards he wants to be fed again.

    Good luck with yours. My motto: love them because they love us.

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  35. LOL. I am still laughing. When an accident occurs, they never come when you call them(the first sign that there’s trouble) and when you stumble upon the scene the expression is always – I have no idea how that happened.

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    • Let’s just hope that when “stumbling” on the scene of pet excrement, you don’t step in it! That’s even worse! Yes, that look is priceless–“Who me? NEVER!” Glad you got a good laugh out of this one. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend, Colin. Great to hear from you!

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    • Oh, goodness, that’s good. No one mentioned being “shit-faced.” Why didn’t I think of that? That’s a good one!

      Great to hear from you, Sandy. Have a great weekend. I’m going to mention the “shit-faced” comment to Sara. She’ll love it!

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    • Yeah, as you can see, I’m an abysmal failure in the potty training department. I’d hate to think what I’d be like with kids. I can a son, sixteen and still in diapers. That would be my luck. Hell, my kid might be 26 and still wearing them! Great to hear from you, Gertie. Have a wonderful weekend!

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  38. I do like how you inserted the line “I felt like crap” in the midst of this delicate blog! You have just reminded me of our former cat, Lancelot the Pisser. It wasn’t pretty. If I glance down at the file cabinets to the left you can still see remnants of Lance. No amount of whispering, yelling or otherwise daunting behavior inhibited him. Wishing you the best, she whispered, and fled at the thought of Ralph eating feces.

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    • OMG–LOVE the name “Lancelot the Pisser!” How perfect is that. Cat pee is the worse. So hard to get the smell out. And sorry to leave you with the image of Ralph eating Lucy’s poop. Lends whole new meaning to the notion of shit-faced, doesn’t it?! Hope you and Barry stay warm this weekend!

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    • Good for Marty. Sara doesn’t leave poop duty entirely to me, but anything gross or smelly tends to make her sick, so I’m grateful when she has the stomach to be involved. Fortunately, things in our poop department have improved recently. Hope you and Marty are doing well.

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    • Yes, hiding seems to be par for the course, or, at the very least, looking totally innocent. Great to hear from you, Francesca. Appreciate your taking the time to leave a comment. Hope you’ll come back again soon!

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  43. This post cracked me right up. We have 3 adopted adorable dogs. The gorgeous Pomeranian is well trained – no issues – he does outdoor deposits only and asks to be let out. However, the two girls are Chihuahuas, who were kept in cages as breeding bitches. They don’t ask to go out and that means we have to ask them. Asking presents them with confusion so we kindly escort them out or allow the Pom to lead them to the yard. Sadly they love doing their wet thing on carpets when we aren’t there to witness their sneaky ways to make corner deposits. Hence, we have a non-carpeted area with a small newspaper over tarpaper spot that they are kept in when we aren’t around to snooper-vise.

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    • It’s sad to hear that the girls were left in cages for so long. That breaks my heart. Glad you have at least one dog who knows how to lead the way outside.

      Great to hear from you timethief. Hope your week is getting off to a great start.

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      • I understand that you aren’t saying that, but I suspect you ARE a better one (than either Sara or I), whether your realize it or not. We are bad. We are SO bad. LOL

        What happened here this morning: Sara asked me not to let our larger dog in the bedroom once I had gotten up, and, so, of course, I didn’t. However, I looked in 30 minutes or so later, and there he was, in the bed. When I asked why, Sara’s explanation involved something about his whining at the door. When I tried to point that that she must have opened the door or he could not have gotten in, she was not happy with me. However, I fear, I’m capable of similar issues of poor puppy boundaries.

        See, this would not have happened to you, would it? Maybe I need a trainer.

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  45. Many years ago Whisky, our black and white cat, strode very purposefully across the room, jumped onto Jim’s lap and peed on him. Jim was understandably furious, but poor old Whisky was neatly 18 and a bit demented, so we let it go.

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  48. Our dog – Monsieur Monty Carlo – recently started eating acorns, and in the morning we find a trail of acorn “vomit” [and whole acorns] on the carpets, and a very sorry looking dog who doesn’t want his breakfast. I don’t know why he’s eating them, and why they make him sick. Any ideas?

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    • Oh, Rosie, how strange that he has started eating acorns. Dogs are funny creatures. Sorry that you have to clean up acorn vomit. Bet that’s an interesting sight. I don’t know why he would be overcome with a sudden, and now ongoing, acorn craving. I see a blog post in this, my friend. Great to hear from you today! Happy Valentine’s Day!!!

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  50. “… the poop was somewhere near the nose.” This had me literally laughing out loud! But I’m not laughing at you, my friend. I’m laughing with you.

    We’ve had pretty good luck with our pets’ bathroom issues, except during those times when they were sick. I’m not sure how you might reverse habits like Lucy’s, but I hope you find a way. And don’t feel like a failure. Sometimes our pets just take a stand and no matter what, they just do what they want to do.

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    • I am SOOOO glad you had a good laugh. That was the idea. What a relief that you’ve had few pet potty-training issues. The good news it that Lucy is doing better. Great to hear from you, Terri. Hope your week gets off to a good start.

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  52. I have heard that dogs do this, Kathy, because it’s their way of (well, of course, marking their territory) leaving their calling cards. Ick. My mother’s teacup poodle, who slept with my mother, had a big problem with this at the end of her, Jetta, the poodle’s life. My mother had a beautiful white, puffy, king-size comforter that was to Jetta’s tastes. Every day I had to stuff that comforter into the — fortunately — Maytag washer and dryer, ever so carefully and methodically, to get it all in and under the water; then, out of the dryer, hang it over the upstairs hall banister for a thorough drying before bedtime.

    Years before, I had just gotten a husky/wolf/German shepherd puppy, black with blue eyes (it’s so humiliating to have — I won’t say “own” — a dog who is smarter than you, but there Kolia was). I had spread newspapers in the middle of the living room because I was packing to move. After taking a sip of my white wine (“Oh … por moi?” said Kolia), he planted his feet firmly and peed right in the middle of the newspaper I was preparing to wrap something in. Kolia also liked to eat cat litter and the droppings therein.

    I don’t know the solution to this dilemma. All I know is, I want another dog. I do love them; I just wish they didn’t have to act like animals.

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    • Yes, it’s a bitch when dogs act like animals–pun totally intended. LOL

      You were good to wash that comforter everyday, and I loved your husky-shepherd story. The latter one was actually too funny. Sara wants a German Shepherd. I’ve insisted that two are enough. You should totally get another dog. I can’t imagine life without one.

      Thanks for your comment. Great to hear from you today. Stay warm.

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      • Interestingly, in the “be-careful-what-you-ask-for” category, the instant I wrote wanting to have a dog, my friend Martha asked me to Wallie-sit her Bichonpoo for about a week while she goes out of town. So, here Wallie is on the couch beside me waiting for me to finish typing so we can go cuddle in the chaise while I read.

        We had a nice walk this morning in the warm sunshine after playing ball in the downstairs hall.

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