(for Julie)
At sixteen weeks the baby’s head measures twelve centimeters They can’t tell us what is normal blade of grass ceramic plate ¿Qué es más probable? I know this carpet is pink that we should notice her rings and wallpaper samples that they are all torn up omertà And that for her there is no such thing as fictionUltrasound
A Prose Poem
Summer Circles Green
Summer circles green and my hair is growing another color, silver/white like tinsel or Christmas tree ornaments or snow on the slanted roof of the artist’s yellow house, who paints her daughter blonde, reclining as in a lawn chair, her oiled canvas stretching now in a museum down the road, where we, on Sunday mornings, relax like swans, drinking flavored coffee from blackened mugs so the darkened rims don’t show. I despise the dirty rigs on my own blue mugs, like arctic circles, tea rings, skim milk spilling on the wooden floor beneath the picnic table benches.
Summer circles green and my hair is growing another color, preparing cob-webbed gowns we wear like gauze bandages, covering the cigarette burns on our wrists and upper arms, slices of roast beef for the noonday meal, when we should be eating turkey along with last year’s yellowed photographs, boxed memories of three years’ madness, the hospital gowns, green and open in the back, displaying what we’d prefer to hide behind some sturdier covering.
Summer circles green and my hair is growing another color, asking impossible questions about misplaced rooms and lilacs beside the brick house that stained my childhood brown, brown hair like dirty ponds in winter, though I pretended it was red, imagined I was burning, wondering—will I ever be consumed like bread crumbs scattered to the pigeons that roost on slate roofs, cooing, calling—
Memoir as Mouthful
More about bipolar disorder
I wrote the following poem when I was struggling to differentiate between what was real to me and what others told me was real–the inherent confusion of the psychotic, thinking, believing, even knowing I knew better, knew more, could intuit things the experts couldn’t.
Long Ago
I went to the lilac bush because it was is/is a safe place being nothing other than a branch a scent no light to make seeing happen They told me I was sick but I knew that it was better we only know the real by the not real Having lost all sense of up and down direction the dignity of admitting I was wandering eyes closed following a faint glow of incense burning on a shelf Smell, like touch, always precedes seeingWhat I wrote when I was sick——
I promised to begin looking at the years when I was most sick with bipolar disorder, the most symptomatic. During part of that time, I attended a day treatment program for the chronically mentally ill and wrote the following poem about theat experience:
Day Treatment (Poem #1)
It’s Monday and again we sit in chairs, sprawled against straight backs, mid-morning group at day treatment, talking about black holes: fear of abandonment fear of non-being the endless longing to return plato’s parable about the cave the dark place the shadow the holy the horrible the hot coal carried close to each of us so we are, all of us, always burning
