Except for a 2 hour nap after breakfast, I’ve been awake since the wee hours of the morning., working out, doing laundry, grading papers, running errands–all in all a good day except for my crazy, pre-Easter encounters at Wal-Mart–shoppers’ frenzied buying of chocolate bunnies and other bargains destined for baskets not only across Fayette County but also (judging from the crowds) the Commonwealth at large. 

I hopped my way out of Wal-Mart only after having purchased close to $350 worth of toiletries to  be taken  to Vietnam and countless animal essentials to be left in Lexington.  I’m trying like crazy to chip away at my “to do” list a little at a time, so I am not indeed insane the weekend before leaving.  I now have greater compassion for  my mother and the departure related tasks she’s undertaken every two months for going on 8 years–not at all easy.  Granted she’s heading to a part of the world free of squat toilets and does not leave behind a house full of animals bound to become hungry while she’s away, however, she’s got to have her own worries to contend with and unanticipated crisis to address in advance of actual disaster.

Admittedly, I should write more than the 200 words I have thus far, but I’m too tired to continue.

Oh my, I must blog!  It’s been two days of challenge, excitement, exhaustion–none of which I’ve shared.  The exciting news first, namely that I WON the Writing Program’s “Outstanding Instructor Award” and will be singing my personal hip hip hoorays all the way to Vietnam and beyond.  To say I’m pleased would be a gross understatement, as I am, in fact, fiddling on the roof and skipping in the streets–hell, I’m fiddling in the streets and skipping on the roof and the latter’s not at all easy.

I don’t know if it could get any better than this, unless, of course, S. were able to come home for the English Department Awards Ceremony on the 22nd, when I will officially be presented with the prize.  I guess this is the painful part of our lives right now–not just the separation, but  separation during times of celebration.  It sucks!  But then again, it won’t be long till I’m gone.  S. will have been away six weeks on Sunday, but I leave only three weeks from Tuesday.

However, the challenge and exhaustion I alluded to above involve an event sponsored by the Writing Program that I helped organize.  An Evening with the Mountain Keepers was a huge success last night.  Held in the Student Center Grand Ballroom, there wasn’t an empty seat in the house.  People were standing in the back and sitting in the aisles.  At one point we even had to bring out extra chairs to help accommodate the crowd.  All of this is good news, but at the same time, the event has left me with little energy today.  When I woke up this morning my feet were aching and my head was pounding.  I was miserable and thankful that the evening, though a wonderful success, was over.  Worn out as I was, I had to drag myself out of bed and into the office to pick up ten page student essays, the grading of which will “entertain” me both this weekend and next and every evening  in between,  way more  mountain than I want to keep any evening of any year.

Clearly I could be using my afternoon more productively, but instead I’ve crawled into bed to blog and nap,  nap and blog, and then do more of the same.  Not exactly what you’d call ambitious.  But then again, I figure this may be my last opportunity to do so in a while–so carpe diem in a lounge around and be lazy kind of way.  Once I collect my students’ ten page papers on Thursday, the semester will be one long marathon till the end and my departure for Vietnam four weeks from today.

Speaking of Vietnam, I should mention, it’s been decided (to use a good passive construction) that I will travel to Asia as a volunteer for S’s NGO and will be working there as a writing consultant, teaching workshops with staff whose second language is English, helping them compose written texts more proficiently in a language with which even native speakers struggle.   This will inevitably challenge my own skills as a teacher and force me to look at my own language from the perspective of non-native speakers.

However, it’s hard to believe I’ll be leaving so soon, leaving not only Lexington and my animals, but also an entire way of life grounded in comfort and convenience.  At this point it’s difficult to imagine how this will impact me, challenge me, force me to embrace perspectives different from my own, how it will require me to adjust what S. calls a world view based on  “refrigeration.”  She claims that there’s a fundamental difference between cultures for whom refrigeration is a given and those for whom it remains a luxury or is, in fact, unheard of.  The ability to preserve food affects the way people approach notions of time and plan for the future–it impacts the inclination to strategize long term.  Admittedly I’m not explaining this in the nuanced way S.would, but I think you get my overly generalized and way too  simplified point——so—— go sip a cool beverage fresh from the frig and give it some thought.  Chill with it, if you will.

My lawn mower refuses to function.    Trying to get the stubborn thing started yesterday blistered my hand in two places.  Now it looks like I’ll have to take the beast to a hardware store to be repaired.  My half mowed lawn frustrates my need for closure, as  I can’t tolerate  incomplete tasks and  feel very goal-oriented these days, wanting  to check chores off my list.  In my mind, the more tasks I can remove, the closer I am to Vietnam.

However, I won’t make it to Vietnam at all, if S. and I don’t unravel the tangle that is the visa application process.  It currently looks like I can only get a single entry tourist visa that is good for up to 30 days.  To enter the country multiple times I will have to be sponsored by an organization in Vietnam, in this case, probably S’s NGO.  I’m starting to stress about this, as I leave in less than a month–again I need closure–need to check the visa detail off my mental list and more importantly have the actual document in hand.

These visa details not withstanding, I’m becoming anxious to leave.  I want the semester to hurry and end, so I can begin this next chapter of my life.  I feel fairly impatient–hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait.  Goodness this delay is deadly.  I don’t wait well.

Yesterday I finally managed to submit my “presentation portfolio” to the Writing Program’s Award Committee.  I say “finally” because it’s been an enormous task to assemble the monster in only one week.  In the future, I think the program should let instructors know they’ve been nominated before finalists are selected, so potential recipients have more than 7 days to complete a task that, at least for me, was extremely time consuming during an already busy part of the semester  Having said all of this, however, I should mention, as well, that I’m proud of the document I produced.  Both my student letters specifically and presentation over-all seemed strong.  Now I can only sit back and wait.

In Asia S. is doing well–“irritated” with me becuase of confusion over frequent flier miles–but well, nonetheless.  She returned to Saigon from  Bangkok last night, having announced  the evening before that the area office wants to send her to Afghanistan–an idea that definitely doesn’t please me, not only because I won’t be able to go, but also because it’s  dangerous, especially for aid workers.  I’m also concerned in the here and now, because S. seems so horribly home sick.  In fact, she acts down right miserable and displaces that misery onto me.  She’s in one of those moods right now where I don’t think anything I would do could help.  I just wish she wouldn’t blame me.  I’m overwhelmed as it is with work, with going to school and tending  to the house and yard and animals on my own.

Today specifically I mowed the lawn.  Now that might for most be a chore requiring moderate effort.  However, for me it’s been a massive undertaking–first because I had to pick up all the poop in the yard and secondly because  I had to actually get to the mower, which was buried under piles of clay pots, tangles of garden hose, and mounds of furniture picked up last summer from the curb.  Finally, my most strenuous task involved stacking hundreds of bricks I had dug up several summers ago during a resurfacing of Limestone Street.  Then and only then could I begin my mowing.  However, I had to stop that prematurely, as I no longer had the upper body strength to start the mower.   I did manage to finish the section inside the back fence, so at least that portion of the yard looks decent–thank God!

At any rate, I face a long list of household chores this weekend–everything from bathing the dogs to laundry and dusting.  Sometimes keeping up with this house exhausts me, especially now that the arrival of spring has doubled the work, with the addition of outdoor to already daunting indoor tasks.  Probably, however, I should be grateful that I actually have time this weekend to do these things.  Next week I’ll be inundated with 10 page student essays to grade.

I suppose I’ll go ahead and post this, since I have not updated this blog in several days.  Sorry for the delay and sorry, as well, that this is so poorly written.  I feel dull and uninspired–all saggy in the center and wrinkled round the edges.

This has been one of those “once in a blue moon” –one of those “I’ll never forget this as long as I live,”  “it seems to good to be true” kind of days.  What happened?  Well, I can sum it all up in one word–STUDENTS–and the fact that they still amaze and dazzle and humble me–still bring me to tears–to my knees–bring me to my senses and then some.

Basically, it all  boils down to my having received letters from three students wanting to champion my cause to the Writing Program’s ” Award Selection Committee”–three students who make the most stunningly beautiful comments about my teaching.  As I said in an email to Rachel this afternoon, the letters describe me as the kind of teacher I have always wanted to be but never dreamed I could be.

So to those of you who wrote those letters–THANK YOU–from the deepest place inside of me, from the bottom of my heart, from the center of my soul, from the still small point of my turning world–I THANK YOU!

I’ve been working all weekend on the portfolio I have to prepare for the Writing Program’s Outstanding Instructor Award.  It’s due Friday, so not a lot of time to gather materials or create documents that don’t yet exist.  I’ve done little but write for the past two days.  This leaves me lacking motivation to compose more this evening, but since  I didn’t post yesterday, it seems a shame to let another day go without updating this blog.  I just don’t know that I have anything memorable to share.  I feel sleepy and uninspired. 

It might be worth mentioning that my mother is due back in the US this evening.  In fact, her plane should have arrived in Lexington a couple of hours ago.  When I tried to call her a few minutes ago, she didn’t answer her home phone, so I expect she’s at Tyce and Alex’s for dinner, getting her first glimpse of Reeves in more than two months.  She’ll be pleased to see him!

In Asia S. leaves Saigon for Bangkok tomorrow–a trip she says she’s looking forward to–anxious to pin down the regional office about how long we will be in Vietnam.  At this point she seems to think we’ll be there well into the fall–perhaps, until we return to the US for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday.  When we go back to Asia in January, it will probably be to resettle in  Bangkok.

Goodness–this post is far from inspired.  I guess I dedicated too much time and energy to composing portfolio pages this weekend–no energy left for further creativity.  I may be smart to stop while I’m ahead, that is, before the quality of writing degenerates any further, assuming, that is, that the prose could get any worse than this.  This is clearly what Anne Lamott would call a “Shitty First Draft”–in this case,  both a first and final draft of excremental quality.

This morning I received an email from the Writing Program congratulating me as a finalist for the “Outstanding Instructor Award.”  This news, while humbling, motivates me to do what I can to earn that designation.  The letter invites me to submit a “Presentation Portfolio” that indicates why I deserve the award.  Having never assembled such a portfolio, I feel a bit intimidated.  I know I need to write a statement that  describes my “Teaching Philosophy” and assemble materials I’ve used in the classroom, as well as letters of endorsement from colleagues and former students.  Essentially, however, anyone who knows my story over the past 15 years will appreciate how honored I feel to even be considered for such an award, let alone be selected as  a finalist.  This opportunity rocks my world!

The truly amazing part involves the fact that I am leaving the program and even in light of that I’m being considered for such an  honor.  I had  personally felt a bit guilty about going, but I guess now I can put that feeling aside.  If I were to win this award, it would certainly be a great note to go out on.

But that’s enough about me.  S. called me this afternoon while I was attending the English Graduate Student Conference to, not only to congratulate me, but also to let me know she had arrived safely back at our Saigon apartment, after having spent much of the week in Hanoi.  As I think I’ve indicated before, it always comforts me to know she has arrived at any given destination.  I can then  breathe deeply and exhale in relief.

At any rate, I should probably wrap up this post and exhale all of my remaining energy this evening into portfolio creation.  Think how deeply I’ll be able to breathe if I actually win this award.

Wow!  Much has happened since my last post two days ago–namely that I have lost and relocated my partner, gotten a year older, and graduated from having to carry my nearly 50 pound dog everywhere–from bed to potty, from potty to food, from food to water and back  to bed again.  It’s been a hell of a week!  All of this and still more than 5 weeks till the semester ends, 5 weeks till I leave for Asia, 5 weeks till I can take a break from full time work and sole responsibility for the details of daily living that keep the home front functioning smoothly.

I’ll begin by addressing Ralph’s improved mobility, the fact that he is ambulatory again–not functioning fully of four legs but able to move himself from place to place quite nicely on three.  For his first couple of days post-operatively, he was barely able to transport himself to his water  bowl and back, let alone all the way outside to the yard.  And, of course, I’d do anything for my dog.  At the same time, however, it challenged me physically to schlep him from place to place–big difference between little Lucy, who’s 5 pounds and Ralph who weighs nearly 10 times that amount.

At the same time I was carrying Ralph from pillar to post, from post to pillar, I was fighting escalating panic about not hearing from S. and not having her respond to my emails or phone calls.  By lunch time yesterday what had been fear and worry, then panic and dread, has evolved into full blown and paralyzing terror, so much so that I contacted my mother in Belgium, S.’s sister-in-law in Lexington, and the headquarters of S’s employing NGO in Atlanta.  All of this while my partner was warm and well in Hanoi, thinking, according to her, that it had “not been that long” since we had talked.  By the time she called around 5:30 yesterday afternoon, I was in bed, trying to maintain my composure by sleeping away the terror that increased with each passing  hour.  When she attempted to minimize the significance of her silence, relieved as I was to know she was safe, I could respond with little other than anger.  Several more hours passed before I was able to enjoy a sense of relief.

Less enjoyable, however, was turning another year older today.  Lynn had taken me to lunch yesterday, but I was unable to enjoy any sense of celebration, since I was so worried about S.  Today many friends, family members, and students wished me well, but when school ended around one this afternoon, I came home alone to nap away the hours till S. would call this evening.  Now that she has and I face another evening without her, I want to curl up again and sleep–preferably for several weeks– dreaming  about that morning in May when I’ll wake up with the woman I love–happy, content, relieved–wrapped in the arms of a  Vietnam morning.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Today has been a marathon of nonstop activity, tolerable in and of itself, but needing now to blog seems  more than I can manage.  Not that I’m incapable of assembling words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs–I’m bothered more by the creative nature of the task.  I feel too depleted to write anything of merit, anything remotely meaningful, anything that any human being of even reasonable intelligence would want to read.  So you are hereby warned.  Read on and risk–risk what, I’m not sure.  Only beware.  Beware of boredom.  Beware of the unfun.  Beware of  borderline bitchiness on my part.

But, bitchy or not, I should mention that this evening Ralph is recovering from knee surgery–barely able to walk more than a few feet before needing to be carried.  I feel badly for him, as he’s clearly in pain.  Between the two of us, he’s the one deserving empathy.

But then again, S. deserves care and concern, as well.  Yesterday she moved into our Saigon apartment, and today she’s off on another trip–this time to Hanoi.  She’s got to be exhausted.

Instead, I’m the one barely able to keep my eyes open.  I think I’ll call it quits for the evening.  I think I’ll close my eyes and sleep my way to a better day.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

And now that  day has  arrived–not immensely better, but indeed a different day.   It’s Tuesday morning, and I’m at school, helping students do research in Young Library.  Unfortunately I don’t feel motivated to do much of anything productive with the next several hours.  I basically feel “blah.”  I think I’m missing S.

Actually I know I’m homesick for her.  She’s been gone for more than 3 weeks, and I’m beginning to tire of doing household chores alone, eating alone, sleeping alone, reading alone–essentially all activities done alone  deplete me.  And interacting with friends and family may help a bit–but not enough and not for long.  Good God–I sound pathetic.  Perhaps, I am pathetic.

Actually, I have accomplished an amazing amount since this morning when I felt so unmotivated–completed three loads of laundry and dusted  both our  library and  bedroom.  Okay, these may not be extraordinary achievements for an afternoon–not when I consider the amount my sister has to do when she gets home from work well into the evening, needing still to cook dinner, feed kids, help kids with homework, and complete the multitude of other duties motherhood requires.  So, hell, I have it made with only laundry, dusting, and care of one three-legged dog to do in an afternoon.  By the way, S. and I were wondering the other day what it might say about us that we currently have two animals that  function on only three legs.  Would that make us or them pathetic?